Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
