My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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