Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
