Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
