took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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