I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
