I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
