Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
