I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
