kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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