True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
