two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
