I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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