My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i dont even know how to be here
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
