I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
