I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
