On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
