Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
