i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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