I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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