I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
