I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
