i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
