Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
