open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
