East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
