apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
