Pants 0. Shit 1.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
