I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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