i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
