if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
