remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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