Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
