I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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