just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
