How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
