Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
