I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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