did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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