I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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