my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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