someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
