Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
