he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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