About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
