96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
