I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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