Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
