I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
