Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
