Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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