I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
