If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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